WHAT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT WHEN ON A DIET
PERSONAL INFORMATION:
Name: Michaela Fernström
Age: 31
Occupation: Currently working as Flight Coordinator while also being a part-time student
Hobbies: At the moment: online shopping of things I don’t need, rewatching tv-shows I’ve already seen 5000 times and going for walks
Living in: Zurich / Stockholm
Best health tip: One-size-fits-all-diets don’t fit us all, we’re not the same size!
Life motto: To infinity and beyond
“Eating disorders might come in different ways and shapes, a diet can become an eating disorder.”
How did you get familiar with the Keto diet?
I had heard about Keto a few times, but never really known more than the fact that it’s a diet. In the beginning of 2020 I started going to the gym and I was feeling really energized. Then a few people asked me what my goals were and if I were planning to do a diet or something. Several people suggested I should try Keto, cause they’d heard great things about it from their friends. In February 2020, I started doing some research on Keto, thinking it might help me see results faster. Since the gym had become a routine of mine, I felt like trying out more things. Keeping in mind, this was before even having any plans for doing a diet to actually see results, those plans kind of formed as these conversations happened.
“Keto was a way for me to have a controlled relationship with food, which I never had before. I was finally in control of food. What I didn’t know was that I created an eating disorder for myself.”
What did you find easy with the Keto diet?
It was quite easy to get started since the Internet had information of what, how and when to eat. I spent hours reading up on it. However, I can’t say it was easy the first two to three weeks. My cravings were BAD! For literally everything. Sweets, ice cream, pastries, pasta, potatoes, bread, beer, juice... Anything I couldn’t eat within Keto, was what I wanted. But it did get better after a few weeks. After a month I would say it was easy. It had become my routine. A lot thanks to the circumstances (lockdown and pandemic) at the time, which made it possible for me to give the diet my undivided attention. We all know about the banana-bread, crochet, puzzles, at-home-yoga and other hobbies that people turned to in lockdown. Well Keto became my hobby!
I was so careful, so thorough, every little thing got weighed and registered in an app. When I got into a routine of what to eat for each meal, I would pre-register them in my app for a couple of days ahead, so the next day all I had to do was to follow the measurements of everything I had registered, so I could just eat and be happy. It worked so well. I didn’t go hungry at any time, but it was because I had calculated it all so carefully. I knew that if I had 85 grams of Greek yoghurt with four frozen raspberries (yes, four), with a boiled egg for breakfast, then I could have roasted veggies with fish or chicken for lunch, and a big chicken salad with avocado and feta cheese for dinner. And there would maybe even be some room for a few almonds for a snack. Measuring everything became an obsession to me. I just didn’t know it at the time. For me, Keto was a way to have a controlled relationship with food, which I have never ever had before. I was in control of food, finally. What I didn’t know was that I created an eating disorder for myself.
“I wanted to be able to see the changes on my body, not just on the scale. Even after two months and 10 kg lighter, I struggled to see any change when looking in the mirror.”
How long did it take before you saw results?
I lost about three kilos the first ten days. It was obviously not just fat-loss at that time, as I wasn’t even in ketosis until day five or so. But that was the first result I saw on the scale. To me, that was a great start, it definitely motivated me to continue. From there I did weekly weigh-ins and could see some result each week on the scale. The progress was registered in an app so I could see changes from start to finish. I also took weekly photos of myself, posing in underwear in a full-length mirror. Even in the privacy of my room this made me uncomfortable, but I wanted them. I wanted to be able to see the changes on my body, not just on the scale. Because even two months in and ten kilos lighter, I struggled to see any change by just looking in the mirror. Unless I looked at the photos from when I first started to compare.
How did you feel during the change to a new diet?
To be very honest, I felt really good. I had this new thing that I could focus on while not working, and I started seeing results quickly which kept me motivated. Other than cravings, I didn’t really have any issues while on the diet. Except for peeing A LOT, haha! But I was also drinking more water during the diet than normally, so it had its consequence of course. Besides that, there wasn’t much else that I would consider as side effects of the diet. I guess I had some days with really low energy, but I can’t blame that on the diet, that’s just me. I was trying to do some physical activity each day, and at least reach 10 000 steps a day. Since I wasn’t working and it was at the beginning of the pandemic, there weren’t many options of things to do.
“ I had these crazy pains in my legs.. As if I had had an intense leg day at the gym. It went on for a few days, I got bad muscle pain from any physical activity I did.”
What was difficult with Keto?
Finding a way out of the “carbs are bad” mentality. Because at the time I didn’t realize what I was doing was actually really harmful, and in the end I would feel emotionally worse than I did before the diet. When I was getting to three months on the Keto diet, I had been a bit low on energy for a week or two, and I noticed how the numbers on the scale just wouldn't change anymore. My weight loss had leveled off. I forced myself out of the house for a short walk. It wasn't long, hardcore or anything. The next day I had these crazy pains in my legs, all the way from my feet, in my calves and up to my thighs. As if I had had an intense leg day at the gym. It kept happening for a few days, I got bad muscle pain from any physical activity I did.
I started researching, but it was kind of difficult to find information on what complications other people went through - it's so varied! Anyway, I came to the conclusion that the aches I was feeling was due to staying on the diet for too long. I should probably have changed up my macronutrient intake a bit, make sure to add more protein, have one day a week with a bit higher calorie intake or something.
With the symptoms of low energy, no weight was coming off and these muscle aches... well I think my body had most likely started to break down muscle mass (and not as much fat) to produce energy. What do I know, I really don't know the science behind it, what actually goes on in the body when producing energy. But I just got this idea in my head of how my body was sick of burning fat, and started chomping away at my muscles instead (I know, I know, but I very easily get mental images and this is just where my mind went!). So I finally decided to quit, get out of ketosis and try to get onto a more free Low Carb High Fat diet, to transition out of it. But then I had some new struggles: I got anxiety from fear of adding on too much carbohydrates...
Would you do Keto again?
I think I wouldn’t. I have been tempted, even after everything. The thoughts comes back now and then and I go ”maybe if I do it for a shorter time, and have a better long-term plan for after”… but why do I want to put myself through that again, knowing the other issues it caused me? It’s the question I try to ask myself when I start thinking about doing a diet. Why? And when I answer the ”why”, I ask it again. It’s simple really, I want to lose weight and be thin. Then I try to ask myself why I want to lose the weight and be thin? The reasons are so many, I can’t even count them. I wanna shop smaller sizes, I want to be able to wear shorts and not have my big thighs jiggle, I want to wear a crop top and not show off my belly rolls, or back rolls for that matter. I want to be thin and look amazing in a bikini. I want that summer body. After I’m done making my list of reasons, I tell myself that I’ve already got a body, so I’m halfway there!
There’s a norm of what’s an acceptable body size, and knowing that I don’t fit into it, makes me want to try to fit into it so badly. There’s also an actual index that will tell you if you have a normal body or not (BMI). A too small or a too large body… I do not have a normal body according to this index. Let’s just leave it at that. I used this index as my guide for where I wanted to get with Keto… and now I just get mad at myself for going by society’s rules of what a normal body is. Why do I give a f*ck about other people’s opinions on my body? Girls: wear the freaking shorts, everyone’s thighs jiggle. Wear what you want! Ok so it’s easy for me to say these things… but I do want to be thin too. Then I can wear a short skirt, a small top and don’t need to think about how I tilt my head in photos to not show my double chin. Because that’s when we’re considered good looking, right?
All the nice compliments I got when I lost a lot of weight reinforced that message at least. ”What a transformation you’ve done”, “wow, you look great”, “you’ve slimmed down so much, look at you, you look amazing!…” Despite all the kind intent behind those words, that didn’t stop my mind from thinking: “What did you think about me before losing the weight then?”. And those thoughts didn’t stop there. I realized that at that time, those compliments just reaffirmed what I already thought about myself: That I wasn’t enough as I was or am, and I needed to change.
If you want to lose weight for health reasons, like actual physical health, risk of diabetes or a cardiovascular disease or anything else, then absolutely, work on getting to a healthier you. But why a diet, why Keto? I’m an absolute hypocrite for saying this, because I still think about diets every single day. However, knowing that Keto reinforced the message that I am not enough as I am, makes me never want to do Keto or any other diet ever again. What about finding a balanced lifestyle, where I am healthy just as I am? No requirements, no banned foods, no “have to’s”. Just finding a way to be healthy while having fun and doing things I love. Eating what I love and work on acceptance of bodies of all shapes and sizes!
“No matter how much I try to improve my physical health, I won’t feel better or be happier with myself, unless I also work to improve my mental and emotional health.”
What’s your view on health today?
I guess the biggest thing I’ve learned in the past year is that no matter how much I may try to improve my physical health, I won’t actually feel better or be happier with myself, unless I also work to improve my mental and emotional health. It’s just one of those things that I could read about, or hear someone talk about, and not really get what they were on about. I mean, I felt fine, great even.
I guess I couldn’t see the disconnection I have between these different aspects of health, until I actually made the effort of really work on my physical health. Like really work on it, change my appearance this time. Because physical appearance is where most of the symptoms are. It’s what everyone sees and can be defined as not normal, something that’s “not like it should be, in need of fixing”. So, the idea to me was that if I fix this, all will be great, “I won’t just feel happy but I’ll also look great!”. However, having this time to reflect on what actually happened to me when I started changing my physical appearance, I’ve realized that I don’t feel better at five kilos lighter. Not at ten or fifteen kilos lighter either. I may have looked better, but emotionally, I actually felt worse.
If you make a “health journey” again, what would you be in need of this time?
I think a health journey would need to start with emotional and mental work. That doesn’t mean I can exclude physical exercise. But to me, I think it’s most important right now that I understand what I actually need to work on. In what ways, other than being over what’s considered normal weight, am I unhealthy? Without any kind of support, I’d maybe go to the gym and think that I’m doing enough to be healthy, not knowing that there are other things I could be doing to just feel better about myself.
“What Keto gave me for my physical health, it took from my mental.”
Would you recommend Keto to others?
To me this is not a simple yes or no question. For some people, Keto might work really well, diets do work for some. If I’ve learned anything about diet culture after my Keto-journey, then it’s that it’s a money-making industry, just like anything else. If Keto, or any diet for that matter, had actually worked, we wouldn’t have needed so many of them. We could’ve all done Keto for one to two months, see amazing results, and then carry on with our lives. I knew this well before starting my diet, but there was still that part of me thinking: ”Maybe this will work for me! And if it does, great. If it doesn’t, no harm done.” However, to be very truthful, what Keto gave me for my physical health, it took from my mental. And without trying Keto, I might never have understood that connection.
So, I guess I don’t recommend Keto. It could work, there’s plenty of success stories to find online that will tell you it does. But how many are those, out of the number of people who have tried this (or any other) diet? Am I glad I tried Keto? Yes. It worked extremely well while I was doing it. But you can’t stay on Keto for very long. It will cause all kinds of other health issues for you. After following your coaching, Sara, and your health stories on Instagram, I have more and more realized how the Holistic Health approach would be the right way to go and a key for a balanced lifestyle where mental, physical and social health all matter. Where you find a long-term balance that is supportive and allowing, instead of focusing on what to avoid and forcing difficult changes and restrictions.
Michaela and Sara (@lifestyleholistica). Thank you so much for sharing this amazing story with me, Michaela. It is such an honest and brave thing to do. I personally think there is a need for talking more about body image, women’s health, normalizing taboos and how we can support and help the younger women (and men) out there.
